30 Years Going

30 Years Going

Twin-II-Alexandra-Marx-B

Twin-II-Alexandra-Marx-B

Earlier this year, Eric France of PlanetWaves.net requested his readers for their articles on vision quests or in other words, for me… summarized by Amanda Painter, editor of PlanetWaves.net:
“At the age of 13, Jennifer Hillman had a dream that lasted a month, like a TV mini-series. Years later, she realized the vision was unfolding in real life; her childhood imaginary friend turned out to be a real person; and the vision’s young woman was herself, learning many difficult lessons. But the vision is not over yet, as she recounts in Vision Quest: 30 Years Going.”

Vision Quest: 30 Years Going

By Jennifer Hillman

The Vision: At the age of 13, I had a dream that lasted a month; it was like a TV mini-series. It started with flying over an ocean to a group of white box-shaped buildings, isolated and hidden.

Twin II by Alexandra Marx

Twin II by Alexandra Marx

The young woman had turned 19 years old, and she was taken off the island into a large unknown city, and left to find herself and the secret.

Once she knew the secret, she would be able to return home and have all the wonders of the universe available. Her job was to find the secret. She was shown she would get some money each month; she also would need to get a job, find a place to live… and learn life’s lessons.

In the vision she found herself working in a bar-like environment where she danced for a living. She lived up above the bar and the bartender lived across the hall. He ran the place. He helped the young lady learn the ropes, answered her questions. He was very protective of her, yet guarded, so as to try and not to have feelings for her. He still did.

She would meet men and take them upstairs while offering them money to teach her something. Many of the relationships and friendships were short lived and they often took advantage of her naiveté. The bartender would often intervene on her behalf when things got to be too much.

She taught herself how to cook, continuing her education between dances and life lessons. She felt protected even without the bartender around, like someone above was looking down on her as well.

*****

As a child, I always saw another side of reality with invisible friends, angels and guardians, sensing there is more to this life and to focus on the light. My mother called it “an overactive imagination.” Perhaps being born close to the Galactic Center (Dec. 18) has some thing to do with this.

With my invisible friend, D, I planned a life of playing music on the radio and experiencing the world. D wanted just to be a musician. We talked every day in my room, sitting on my bed, listening to the radio while in another realm of imagination; it was safe, real and fun.

After the vision started, connection with D disappeared for a decade or so, even though he was in the vision as the bartender.

Lessons learned in the vision were through relationships, most with men and their intentions as well as women with gain on their mind. In life, I paid for the lessons with these people in emotional growth and cash; I would often be supporting the men and women in my life financially.

The vision-in-action seemed delayed by my getting married one day after my 19th birthday on the 19th of December. On the day of my wedding, I knew before taking the vows that I was alternating my life path by getting married, yet I got married because I didn’t want to embarrass my parents. The marriage lasted 19 years, ending on the same day it started, the 19th of December.

I had gotten the hint to leave the marriage while traveling on a road trip to the east — driving out of what turned out to be the real-life D’s town — when my heart chakra opened as wide as the sky. I soon found out about D, who turned out to be a real person; he had actually followed his dream and became a musician; my heart told me I belonged in that town.

I wasn’t working at the time of my divorce, yet I was able to get a mortgage for a house. I was given a small amount of money every month for support, yet I still needed to find a job and learn the secret, just as I had in the dream. It wasn’t long before the same things happened as in the dream. I quickly found a job as I did in the dream, and started meeting characters from the dream.

Soon, I connected with others who were a part of the dream in the same order as the vision. Meeting men and paying a price for the lessons they taught me and other people, finding out who D was while he was still working on his dream of being a musician, and working as a bartender. I was assisting musicians promote their music.

Once I manifested parts of that dream again and again, I looked more deeply at the people and situations from different perspectives, and considered the lessons to be learned from them. Early on I came to understand the duality to each situation and I learned to see the other’s perspective.

I learned to support myself, though it took me a few relationships for me to figure out how to change the outcome, just as I did in the dream. I learned to appreciate my silence (my spirit), my inner child and my inner voice that I had allowed to be silenced in the past. I saw that I was physically paying for my lessons as I did in the vision, so I went with the flow and let go of expectations from others, after writing down what I had learned from each person and situation. We all pay in some form when boundaries are weakened, or when we learn boundaries in the moment.

I am unsure of the ending of this vision in my life, except that the end of the vision showed me clarity, love and ultimate peace. In the vision, I saw the woman, years later, with a book in her lap, surrounded by the brightest light from a large picture window. She had a little girl (inner child) sitting at her feet playing with building blocks. At this point, I don’t feel I have reached this outcome; yet knowing this possibility gives me guidance and faith to move toward it.

I saw many things during the vision, but I wasn’t quite aware to write it all down. Only when I was reminded after meeting a person or going through a situation did I fully understand the lessons learned from each person.

I came away with a deeper healing of my past childhood experiences of being submissive, and of having allowed myself to be “used” while thinking I was giving. I learned to say no, and that it was okay to do this.

The biggest gift is to know the interconnectedness of humanity, nature and the universe. The difference between listening to the whispering of my heart vs. my ego — with the double-edged sword of perception of other people’s agenda — allowed it all to unfold. Acceptance of the hidden aspects of each relationship brought the healing of past wounds, and deep surrender to life’s uncertainties. Ego doesn’t like uncertainty and can assist you; but when out of balance, it condemns you to repeating the lessons you need to learn.

Listening and observing nature (animals) as a teacher opened my heart to the wisdom needed to relax in these human experiences. For example, allowing people to come in and teach you as you teach them, and then letting them go to live their lives.

The dreams others had for me led me away from my true north. I had to let go of the hurts and wounds by making peace with the disagreements and the unfulfilled thoughts and intentions of others. I had to let myself just appreciate the experience without knowing what the definite outcome would be, and learn to keep myself in my own integrity. Part of that was allowing the magic and powers of the journey be what they are, without being upset when I feel afraid of the outcome. I have seen how the power of intention can be misguided and cause pain through exaggerated or ungrounded idealism.

By following what makes me happy and knowing that my needs will be met one way or another, I have learned to relax and trust. As the vision was in metaphors, the outcome I had in real life caused confusion and angst. I have come to understand the power that stories can play in my mind.

I have changed through the process. I am more present and have fewer goals to focus on. I have known that ideas I am passionate about are ideas that will manifest for me in the right time. I have come to realize I can’t force the outcome and that I have to trust myself more not to do something just to impress others. I have learned more about living in a multi-dimensional reality. I may not achieve the ideas I have in the timeframe I thought necessary, and that is Okay. I am achieving it on some plane through the invisible connection with my highest self.

I enjoy the little simple things in life now. My awareness of triggers is growing, as is my laughter about these little points of the shadow. They are all aspects of me and the more I laugh, the more the shadow fades. I have a different dedication to the peace of moment.

To find love, know you are love and loved. Embrace the moment’s experience.

By writing down what I discovered about myself along the way, I am healing lifetimes of wounds while releasing the energy within them. Nature’s healing presence supports me through walks I would take in the dream. Music played a big part of my dream and my life. I am often told to focus on the music within, knowing it raises my vibration and spirit. Music I am listening to often expresses the feelings of the experience, and to this day still is a healing agent for me.

I am grateful for this vision quest. I do wish I had written it down as it was originally happening so I could see the metaphors more clearly now. I was blessed with the heads-up on what to expect, yet the outcomes can change as we choose. The secret is within us, and focusing on the happiness of being can be all we need to find all the wonders of this world and return home.

I have a radio show, called Abstract Illusions Radio. Sometimes I play D’s music, as D still comes to me in my dreams once in a while, checking in and living strong. If I have the timing right, I still have another 15 years of lessons to go because I delayed the start of the vision in my real life — though I sense the time has been accelerated with the 19-year delay.

Jennifer Hillman is a certified Intuitive Life Coach / Reiki Master and a published writer/poet sharing her services and words on JenniferHillman.com. She supports and celebrates the human potential through her radio show, Abstract Illusions Radio, onWLOR.net. She has two published books of poetry in the series Embracing Souls: Poetry of the Dance and Words of the Heart, which are available on Amazon.

Breathe.

Breathe.

{via openhouseforbutterflies18}

{via openhouseforbutterflies18}

Breathe. Take a moment for yourself and just breathe.
Close your eyes stop thinking and breathe.
Worlds shifting, time expanding as the humanity feels the intensity.

I am recycling through many thoughts and experiences and ask myself simply, “Am I living now?”

The question comes as I realize what the cycle is for me that I have been doing in some form most of my life and the times I truly was myself in all my glories… the true me hides, observes and decodes the mysteries of life with a smile. I hide within the obvious, the weirdness and creatives.  As I posted a bit of wisdom:

“I am without form, without limit, beyond time, beyond space. I am in everything. Everything is in me. I am the bliss of the universe. Everywhere I am. I am sat, chit, ananda, absolute existence, absolute knowledge, absolute wisdom.” Ram Kir, the Indian mystic

The truth of this became the value I embrace the most as I am here to experience life in all the simple realization of love and the greater powers within Love. Expressions of my adventures with the interaction of the other players in the grand illusion game are part of the doings for me. I have been withholding my truth of the magic and power I am.

Unchain and live with the passionate understanding of the transitory nature of humanity without embracing too deeply in the subtle nature of each of us. I wish to drink a sip of all of you; to taste your wonderment, your joy, pain and your breath. If only a moment of time or spiritually through the connection of our interaction, I intent to bless you as you bless me with that moment.

As I was conversing with Kip Baldwin about empathy, I realize the blessings I have received and passed off with no meaning. Moments of the interactions with the homeless to the last moments of a woman dying on the Bay Bridge, sharing her last thoughts of her young daughter. I had found her daughter at one time and stopped myself from contacting her. Now I search again without much success. And with that, I wonder if there is only a small window of opportunities of experiencing and have I missed mine somewhere along this journey. I wrote about this pondering in my article about missing that one train. Anything is still available if it is truly something you signed up for that experience. The whispers of those come back around to see if you are ready now. I am shouting YES!

So I open myself to experience more of the truth lurking within me… those untold stories I am holding onto as if I own them. I know I have experienced them, yet I don’t own them, nor do they own me. Just an agreement to meet and dance for a moment…a choice. And now entered in the book of life.

I listened to Gary Zukav today as he spoke about writing the book… He said it was his choice to write this book that flowed through him, changing thousands of people by doing so. This comes to me at a time of choice… to write a book about an amazing experience I had through a spiritual connection which taught me unconditional love or simply let the memories just be moments I have had and cherish. Is there healing needed to happen through the writing or a deeper understanding from what I experienced for others? Or was it all just part of the dream I created? Sweet dreams assisting me to remember the truth of love, connection and oneness we all live now.  I wait for the answer from my heart. So for now, I smile, reflect and see what dances across my life.

Be true to self. Be present to the now, releasing the past and open to the new.

This is a demo store for testing purposes — no orders shall be fulfilled. Dismiss

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