“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
Empty. I have emptied myself out. After a recent bout with my inner demons of fear, low self-esteem, unworthiness, doubt, depression came to visit all at once. The fetal position was my favorite comfort zone and wanting to hide again. Wondering why I am here and my purpose of being. I was guided to certain things like re-reading The Alchemist and The Silence by Robert Sardello, listening too closely to the inner voice musing through the music daily. I began to get answers from within for the outer chaos dancing around me and looking for a way out of it.
“You are here. You are meant to be here. Get use to it. Stop arguing with creation.” ~Bashar
Do we argue with our creations? Do we focus too much of the design’s detail and create resistance with the process? Hell yea I know I have, with the inner knowing of the plan of the dream for over a decade, I have to build a little, retreated a lot with the pressure of realization of the plan came close.
Why would I? Knowing the beauty and ease available once I broke through that wall. Or did I really? There will always be another wall or level in the journey. The perception of how thick of the wall is up to the individual and I saw it as a thick 6″ Plexiglas box that seemed to grow each time I got closer to getting through so I would stop and regroup… with the demons waiting in the wings to pounce during those moments. Yet knowing most of my challenges were self-made.
“To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only obligation.” ~ The old man told Santiago in The Alchemist.
Do we create hardships when they aren’t necessary? No, we may slow the progress down with the inner voice patiently allowing us dancing with our truths. Yet all is in the divine time and we know how much we like that at times. I needed to test and challenged as I was stupidly asked for it. I question my sanity and ego at times. I always get an answer, not always liking the answer I receive.
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” ~Paulo Coelho
As I am on my knees in tears, asking the inner voice why is this misery happening to me? I am gifted with an inner video of the exact moment I asked for it. Damn. I get in full color from the witness position with the giggling of the inner voice and the tear of my inner child in the background.
Silly me, yet life is a paradox with your sense of the unlimited possibilities, the universe whispering to us and the reality we each face daily. I actually do enjoy this in hindsight. I can only laugh at myself and this journey I am creating for myself. Great content for articles, books and insights to understand my clients and what is going on with them.
I have allowed the persistence of the inner demons’ taunting get to me, breaking me down into that fetal position, losing touch with my truth. I split myself in half, having to hold tight to the reality I know to be truth and the darkness of the inner demons’ dance.
The last bout with my inner demons was quite the dance, though the universe heard my prayers and sent in the omen through songs (like “Shake it off” by Taylor Swift), nature signs of visits from hawks (guardian messengers), ravens (magic and shape-shifting), owls, (omens and seeing through the darkness into the light) and eagle (take the higher vision of dreams)) and meditation with the truth I had hidden from myself and connection with Sophia returned.
I broke through a wall as the sun broke through my window after I dance with the moon in the early morning, seeing my shadow below me… A smile came and lightness to my heart that has been aching for weeks. It was like I could breathe again after holding my breath for months. Clarity and courage returned as well as those soothing whispers of the Soul of World with the understanding of the challenges are gifts of love. Gifts for our evolution into the true sense of love and all its powerful manifestations has we dance with those inner demons.
Omens revealed mystery which I was holding in hidden ways that distracted me from breaking a hole through that thinning Plexiglas as the clarity of my dream appeared within those moments doing the class exercises. Slowly peeling back the self-deceptive denial and owning the reality I created and now being more responsibility for the current dream unfolding. Now it is time to allow the true adventure to live and to meet my destiny head on. So my plan is going through the ceiling instead of wasting any more time with those walls to embrace the plan I know and releasing the need to struggle.
“No matter what he does, every person on earth plays a central role in the history of the world. And normally he doesn’t know it.” The Alchemist to Santiago in Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.
Do you know your role in the world’s history? If you have a dream, an inner whispering and calling to you, you do and now is your time to claim your destiny.
The alchemy lives in each of us and it is up to us to change and live the dreams into reality or the lead into gold. Empowering ourselves through the trials and tests we meet up with each day. Connecting with the heart and allowing those whispers of omens guides us forward to meet our destiny and victory of self, the divine plan leading to the treasure we seek. ~jh
(Original published in RebelleSociety.com)
Image by Julio Aries